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“There are many persons very dear to my Heart, but the moment I saw this blessed sun this Morning (with Kit in my arms) dear Rebecca came at once in my thoughts, and if there had been a wish to name, it would have been to have you with me. .. You well know how much I value your Society and affection but we are not always to have what we like best in this world, thank Heaven! For if we had, how soon we should forget the other ,-the place of endless Peace, where they who were united by Virtue and affection here, will surely enjoy that union so often interrupted while on their journey Home.”
(St. Elizabeth Ann Seton writing to her sister-in-law and dear friend, Rebecca Seton)
There has been much focus on how the current culture devalues the love of a man and woman, but a still greater depreciation has been the false idea of the love of friends. This latter is the more significant travesty because friendship is the basis of the strong marriage and a close relationship with Our Dear Lord.
A good friend, is not just someone who is seen often or whose circumstances are a reflection of one's own. Though it is common to meet a close friend through shared experiences, this does not comprise the entirety of the relationship. According to Aristotle in Book VIII of his Nichomachean Ethics:
"Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue; for these wish well alike to each other. . .now those who wish well to their friends for their sake are mostly true friends; for they do this by reason of own nature and not incidentally; therefore their friendship lasts as long as they are good—and goodness is an enduring thing."
This type of friendship is unusual because of the high demands it places on man's character. Even Aristotle pessimistically admitted that it is "natural that such friendships should be infrequent; for such men are rare." A close friendship requires discernment, vulnerability, sacrifice and patience.
Discernment is vital to determine if the fellowship of the other is enjoyable and edifying. Longing for love and attachment, it is tempting to settle for less worthy companions just for the sake of avoiding solitude. Yet friendship depends on the confident independence of each and will never thrive if one party is insecure, possessive or manipulative. Prudence will be rewarded to those who patiently wait to find friends that lighten the heart with a joyful spirit and strengthen the will by a virtuous example.
Forming strong friendships requires vulnerability, which must begin with intentionality. One must bravely seek out others, despite the fear of rejection. Our Lord commanded his disciples to go out into the world, not to shore up in a hole and hope someone would find them.
Now, being vulnerable does not mean being imprudently impulsive. Sharing too much and too soon often leads to regret. Yet two can never hope to be equals if only one unlocks his door while the other firmly leaves his barred. Otherwise, insecurity and superiority replace empathy and consolation. The word vulnerable comes from the Latin root,"vulnus" meaning wound. Like an open wound which is grafted upon to create a new and stronger foundation, only a friendship that allows for an openness of heart, a humility of spirit and a willingness to mature, can blossom and grow firm through this grafting of hearts.
Finally, true Christian friendship necessitates sacrifice and patience. The Greek legend of Damon and Pythias illustrates the supreme love of friends when Damon offers to take the condemned place of Pythias so that he can visit his family one last time. When Pythias is considerably delayed Damon is prepared to suffer execution, firmly believing in his friend's fidelity despite Pythias' absence and the subsequent mockery he endures from the cruel Dionysius. At the final moment, Pythias appears and the dictator is so moved that he allows both to be freed.
At first glance, this story appears to highlight the ultimate sacrifice a friend is willing to make, but in truth, it depicts the constancy of a friend who patiently bears another's burden, faithfully sacrificing his freedom for the other. Sacrificial love in a friendship practices intentional charity that is not convenient or comfortable. Self-interest, envy, judgment and defensiveness are set aside with a discarded ego. In forgetting himself, one discovers the joy of knowing the goodness of the other. It is a tremendous gift to know and feel the genuine and abiding love and affection of a true sister or brother in Christ. A friendship that is founded and derives its strength from the Source of love, a friendship that seeks to return to that Love, is one of inestimable value.
A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter:he that has found one has found a treasure.15There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend,and no scales can measure his excellence.16A faithful friend is an elixir of life;and those who fear the Lord will find him.
(Sirach 6:14-16)
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